Mar
|
IMDB rating: 5.70 Plot: Alex, a psychopathic mechanic, rapes a woman in the park. Later, a decadent couple pull into his shop needing car repair. They invite Alex and his mentally challenged buddy to join them at a decadent suburban party. Once there, Alex amuses himself by tormenting and raping the guests, not realizing the guests have an agenda of their own. |
Actors: Hess David,Borromeo Christian,Lombardo Radice Giovanni,Di Giulio Gabriele,Horror,Thriller,
Does this sound like a good beginning to a story?
"You REALLY need to drive the speed limit. Your going to give me a heart attack." Seth said, pinning himself against the driver side seat of my beat-up mini van that i just got for my seventeenth birthday. i didn’t care if my car only went 50 miles an hour, then started shaking, and moaning.
"Agh!" Seth gasped as I slammed on the brakes, when i came to another "invisible" stop sign. I stared at my Soccer-ball Bracelet id gotten from grandma that was on my right wrist. Some present. Totally off topic, but if my driving bothered Seth, then why did i drive him to school every day? Well, he is my best friend, but still. I always drove like this. He must really be despite for a ride.
Seth interrupted my thinking. Again.
"You know, I think im going to ask my sister, or mom," He looked my way, right as i turned my head to look at him, " or my Dog, to drive me next time. K? thanks." Seth said smugly. I snapped my head away from him so fast, i almost got whip lash. A shaggy brown strand of hair escaped from my too-loose ponytail, and got in my eye.
"Auh!" I screamed in terror as the car spun wildly to the exit of the free way.
"Leah! what the Hell are you doing!" I felt warm hands take the weal from me, and spin the car in the right direction.
Man, was i thankful for him being there. Know wonder he was my best friend, he was also sometimes my hero. We had been best friends for 6 years now. In the 6th grade, he spilled ravioli all over my friends jacket, and i had to kick his ass in the school parking lot after school. It was funny, and i never regretted it.
"Seth?" i asked with a hint of hesitation cracking through my voice. "What would happen if i died? Or you died!" I grimaced at the gruesome idea. " I don’t know what i would do if you died." I was turning my head toward him, when he grabbed it.
"You never have to worry about that. im going to be around as long as you are." He turned the corner of his lips and his finger tips tightened around my cheek.
"Agh!" He gasped again. As i was lost in his eyes, i forgot i was suppose to be looking at the road. That was so weird! I’ve never looked at Seth like that. Whatever. Shake it off, i thought to myself, it was just a weird moment. I haven’t had a boyfriend in….ever. O.K., this wasn’t comforting anymore.
Apparently it wasn’t to comfortable for him either, because the pause ran on for about 10 minutes. Until he finally said something I never thought he would ask me.
"Have you ever kissed anyone?" He had a hint of worry in his eyes, but also he seemed quite confident.
I wasn’t sure how to answer. I didn’t want to seem pathetic for never kissing a boy, but i needed to tell the truth. Why does he care anyways? Aha! that’s what im going to ask! i thought to myself.
"Before i answer, Why do you want an answer?
"Just curios." He answered to quickly. And he knew that. "Um, i mean, i just wanted to know because. . .I heard someone say they kissed you." He said. He was a horrible liar. But, i didn’t want to argue with him. "Yes. I had a boyfriend last year. he wasn’t a big deal, but i did kiss him." Me, i wasn’t a bad liar. And he didn’t seem suspicions, so i took that as he believed me.
That’s what worried me.
"But like i said, no big deal." I was starting to feel a twisting, turning feeling in my stomach. Like i just started a full load of laundry. I felt like the washing machine. What’s that word i never use, ‘Cause i never feel like it? Oh yeah, guilty.
* * *
"Honey, did you read this?" My mother (Lisa,) asked me when i returned home from dropping Seth off at his house. "Um, what is it?" i asked, as i looked at the blue envelope, with gold sequent’s around the edges. "Um, its Miranda’s wedding invitation. She’s getting married to Andrew in two weeks. She wants you to be her maid of honor." My mother looked thoughtfully at the blue envelope. "Oh my god! Of course I’ll do it! She’s my best friend, why would she even ask!?" i snached the envelope from my mothers hands, and read the letter myself.
Hello Leah!
We invite you to Miranda, and Andrews wedding.
Its on the 17th of December, and at Faith Church.
We where also wondering something even more important;
Will you be Miranda’s maid of honor? After all, you are her closest friend.
A.S.A.P Call: 234-5678
Place of occasion: Faith Church
Time of occasion: 4:00 pm
Day of occasion: December 17th
Love, Miranda, and Aunt Peggie.
Wow, i thought to myself, as i slipped the invitation back into the envelope.
"Mom?" I started, "Don’t you think its kind of weird that Miranda is getting married at 18?"
It seemed pretty young to me. I mean, how
I don’t want to say it’s not that good, so I’ll lie.
That may be the best piece of literature I’ve read since Hamlet.
| Nov 29, 2009
yea
fat 'n' happy
| Nov 29, 2009
Ah sure.
But fix your mistakesss, because there are quite a bit.
And some things don’t make sense.
Jay | Nov 29, 2009
nope didnt even want read past 1st paragraph.. and im not being an asshole… you got to make your reader want to keep reading make the intro exciting like describing the emotions of the passenger and how fast the car was actually going
Tyler | Nov 29, 2009
yes..
you’re good!
Krizzha | Nov 29, 2009
Yeah, seems great so far.
Twilight Luva | Nov 29, 2009
I WANT TO READ MORE!! EMAIL ME THE REST : D
ana | Nov 29, 2009
OMG I LOVE IT!!
you have to finish it and post the rest!
Chelsea M | Nov 29, 2009
I think it’s a good beginning, just you need to work on spelling, grammar, punctuation.
And I think it’s a bit weird that in the Twilight Saga Seth has an older sister named Leah… so you might want to check that out…
Otherwise, It honestly think it’s a really good beginning!
<3 Paiglicious <3 | Nov 29, 2009
It depends on what audience you intend for this and where you submit it. Overall, I think some of your sentences are a little awkward (probably because you’re a young writer), but it seems like an interesting story. You also have some spelling mistakes: "weal" instead of "wheel," "know" instead of "no." I guess most of my comments are grammatical.
In terms of content, you should always ask yourself what the purpose of your scene is. Does thsi particular conversation need to occur in the car? What is the purpose of being in the car? Is it comedic? Romantic? Empathetic? Also, describe the scenes as if you were describing them to an alien that has never seen the people or places that you are describing. I know that you can visualize them in your head, but I’d like to hear a description of the guy and the girl, or the car, or some description of the letter…etc.
Once you answer these questions about each scene in your book, you should be good to go!
Hannah | Nov 29, 2009
Sit down and brace yourself.
No, it does not, and here’s why.
1. The dialogue is stilted. Seth speaks like the archetypal boy next door, and Leah and Lisa have the same voice.
2. Grammar is your friend. Invest in a copy of the good ol’ Strunk & White ("The Elements of Style" by William Strunk and EB White). Read it thoroughly. For example, the graf after the break, your speaker changes three times, with no paragraph break. The poor command of grammar jars the reader and disrupts the flow of the story.
3. The wedding invitation is written incorrectly, and traditionally, those sorts of requests are not handled in writing–they’re done in person. Additionally, wedding invitations of any sort come from bride and groom, not bride and bride’s mother.
4. I can already tell where it’s going halfway through your exposition. She goes to the wedding, realizes she’s in love with Seth, they live happily ever after, the end. To avoid this being the done-to-death love story, I suggest you jettison Miranda and the wedding entirely (unless it is somehow pivotal to the story later on), and focus on the character development of Seth and Leah. Make them less flat, more interesting–more *human*. Give the audience a reason to simultaneously love Seth and think he’d be a bad boyfriend. Make Leah more than the never-been-kissed schoolgirl.
Hope this helps.
Jo | Nov 29, 2009
this story would be good for teenagers. the beginning went a little fast, you should show that youre great friends with seth BEFORE you have "moments" with him. does that make sense? other than that, i think its pretty good. hope this helped! also, there are grammatical mistakes. despite should be desperate. sequents should be sequins. snached = snatched.
Melissa | Nov 29, 2009
Just be confident in everything stroke you take, don’t second guess yourself, just go out there and do your thing.
